The Necessary Hate

Important Haters of Skate History: Fine Porto

//

 

It might take portuguese parents and probably some severely traumatizing childhood experiences to turn out the way Chris Nieratko did, but if that were all it took then Portugal wouldn’t be having its ass handed to itself by the European Union for being a bankrupt sorry piece of shit right now.  Because make no mistake, Chris Nieratko is a very intelligent man, even though he may have written some of the least skate-related articles in the history of skateboard media. To say it in the words of his fellow genius Dave Carnie: “… if you don’t get why tropical bird photography is more about skateboarding than skateboarding, then I don’t think you understand what being a skateboarder is.” (that quote actually doesn’t refer to Nieratko but it fits perfectly so quit being anal about irrelevant, scientific horseshit rules)

The difference between Carnie and Nieratko is that while Carnie only pretends not to care, Nieratko really, genuinely does not give a fuck about the people that are unlucky enough to get involved with him (or at least he’s a better pretender than Carnie). Maybe the prime example for this is his publication of an interview that got the young, naive and slightly intellectually disadvantaged Corey Duffel stripped of nearly all his sponsors. Then again, you have to be somewhat more than slightly intellectually disadvantaged to call Stevie Williams a trashy nigger…

Besides contributing numerous other instances of pure gold to the skateboarding world he also writes for VICE magazine which has to be the most misunderstood magazine in existence. It’s kind of their own fault, though. There’s some seriously good journalism and art in there and all they do is hand it out for free at places like American Apparel where not a single soul has the IQ to comprehend the texts or the taste to recognize art even when it’s fondling their  tightly slim-fit-jeans-compressed balls. Nierakto must have realized that, so he took his coloumn and made a book out of it. It’s called Skinema, reads like a gonzo remix of Bukowski and is obligatory lecture for anybody in Skateboarding who considers himself to have brains enough to think outside the pattern of roll on board – roll a joint – roll over on the couch.

I know most of you people can’t handle some of the quotes I post on here, they’re just too challenging in grammar and vocabulary. Luckily, the 20th century writers have no need for stroking their philologist (oh, there he goes again, those heavy, heavy words!) scrotums anymore, so in the spirit of severity, clarity and making up your fucking mind, here’s what Nieratko once said in this very magazine:

- “I think it’s high time we take any non-skater owned brands/retailers out to the farm and shoot them.” -

Do I need to paraphrase this for any of you brainless ghouls or does it slowly dawn on you why the ominous “Don’t do it!” has become such a popular phrase off late?!